Are you happy?

Ever since I can remember I have struggled immensely with anxiety and depression. Hitting its all-time peak was once thought to be during high school, and don’t get me wrong I went through a lot during those times that we can talk about in another topic/post but my highest, scariest, there is no way out point has been this year in 2019. It all started over the question are you happy?

Earlier in the year I was catching up with an old friend from high-school who was very close to me. We went over all the basic topics. How is your family, how is work, do you remember that one time? Hearing how he was doing and how well he was doing was great. He is a DJ and a very good one who loves what he does. With catching up I was able to learn about how well he was doing and don’t get me wrong I was doing well too according to what I like to call “paper.” I have a roof over my head, I was able to buy my first home at 22, have great friends, a husband, my dog, and a job that paid the bills.

Yet, the second he asked me are you happy? I had no response.

I didn’t know the answer to that question and it had me think and think and think. Why couldn’t I answer that question? So of course, after a little while I said yeah, I guess how about you? He was able to answer confidently yes within 2 seconds and it blew my mind. I was jealous of his confidence in his happiness. Why wasn’t I happy? Why couldn’t I answer YES! 

Looking back after that conversation, I began to spiral downward. I was just looking for that confidence in happiness. I began to drink and wallow in self-pity. I switched jobs thinking that would change something. I over indulged in food and fell into the deepest depression I have ever experienced. It affected many of my relationships negatively and brought out this darkness in me I never want to see again.

I am still struggling to bring myself out of the dark and to be completely unapologetically happy. It’s a work in progress but now I do know it is achievable. It brought me to want to share my story and create a place where others can share there’s. Although I am still struggling mentally, I cannot be any more thankful for my old friend in asking me the question are you happy. I do not blame him for the depression I fell into but am so grateful that he was part of the process of me waking up and realizing wow, I am not happy and that’s something that needs to change.

So now the real question is, are you happy?