Evolving

One thing that happens to everyone but is also fought by everyone is evolving.




Whether we like it or not people are always continuously evolving. We outgrow jobs, relationships, dreams and the darkness. When it comes to mental health we may feel as if we do not evolve like others do or maybe not as quickly. That we are running in a never-ending circle leading nowhere near the light. It is important to know you can break that circle and run completely out of it towards everything you could ever want. You have to remember that although it is achievable it will not always be simple. You have to fight your demons every day and one of those demons you must fight is yourself. Your mind controls your body and you must fight to have control of it. Let go of all the toxicity that contributes to the darkness and free your mind from the cage it’s in. 


For some people it may mean a person or a workplace. For me it was where I worked. In my opinion, working nights is toxic for my mental health and not everyone will agree with this. Everyone has different triggers or instances that affect their mental health in many different ways. It was just something about being away from my family, being up late and what I was being surrounded by is what drove me to hate it. The first night job I took was because I needed to make more money because I had just drained my funds buying a home. So, I justified that decision to put money and a house above my mental health. In doing so I missed many family gatherings, hangouts with my closest friends who had morning schedules, and something that really hit me hard, holidays. I worked them all and never realized how much it sucks to not be with your loved ones on holidays but to be taking care of others instead. Once realizing I could not do it anymore I quit and got a morning job. I had caught up from buying the house so it served its purpose and now I could move on. 


Yet not even a month into doing so, life hit me hard as it does to us all. My husband lost his job and couldn’t find work. To upkeep the home we both worked so hard to obtain, I decided to get a night job again while also keeping my morning job. This time my reason was to help my husband and to get ahead instead of being behind. So again, I chose it over my mental health. I had hopes of possibly this night job being different from the last but again I was surrounded by the things that kept me in darkness just like the time before. Four months into it I was mostly caught up from the bills we had gotten behind on and my husband was catching back up with the job he had gotten a few months back and we were much better than we were four months prior. It was only a matter of time till I didn’t need that second job anymore. At first, I felt bad that I was planning on leaving I even justified staying longer and just working both. Until I had a huge mental breakdown that brought me to realize I cannot keep putting things before my mental health. Otherwise I will never break the circle.


So, I quit and kept just my morning job and no, I am not 100% healed nor out of the circle. What I am though is fighting and more importantly I am evolving. As a reminder just know you are mentally capable of anything and you must celebrate all your wins! Including making decisions that lead you to evolve. 

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